I know there are times when I think negative of people. I can't help it. I realize that a new chapter is happening in my life. I am sick of people thinking that I need validation from them to know that I am worthy. I wrote my ex an email just to see how she was doing. That was a mistake on my part. I sent her an email to forget about me and there were some insults that I made to her. Of course she responded. I have not read it because she probably said to go drop dead some where. I can take responsibility that I may have hurt her feelings. We tend to go back and forth with each other and that is not healthy thing to do. I just want her to be happy. So I wont email her again. I hate playing the blame game. She and another ex I play this game with. I am human people. I am not perfect. I can't help who I fall in love with and who I don't. I know there are people that expect me to just fail or kill myself but I wont do that. I love me too much and I want to see my future son or daughter. I know what I want from life. I hope to achieve most of my goals in life. My birthday is this week. I am getting older and a lot wiser. People are afraid to be alone but I am used to being alone. Its hard for me to even cuddle. Honestly that is why a lot of people settle. I just can't do that. It doesn't work for me. I know my equal is out there but I am not looking for her. I usually attract like a magnet. I have a meeting with my old organization I used to belong to. I am going to be honest with them. They cannot help me. So lets just keep it moving. I know I am harsh with my honesty but I have been through a lot this year and I really don't want anyone think that I have gotten weak with my stance. It is sad I used to do a lot for this organization. Now I just want no part of it andymore. I emailed all of the staff. No onw got back to me but all of a sudden on Friday. Frideay wasn't a good day for me. People want to come talk to me.

I know I take my life for granted. I know a woman who would take away all my pain if she could and yet I don't love her. I see her as only a friend and nothing more. I see young parents relying on their own parents to take care of their kids. And have the nerve to be so disrespectful and not grateful for their helping hand. I just don't get us as human beings. Womean can have a nice guy and perfer a bad guy. People that I know are becoming more polyamurus and less monogamus. Maybe the world is changing for the good or bad I don't know. I just rather be alone than deal with people not knowing what they want. Like Jay Sean I am looking for a girl to be able to touch my soul. I have not had that in along time. No love is drama free. And yes I know I would have to work on it like a job. I meet women and I don't feel any passion. Ond observation from humans is that its hard for people to truly be honest. I feel like its about fear and trying to protect the other person.

I am single because I choose to be. I cannot settle. Its just not in my nature. I know what I want. I want the right woman by my side. I just haven't meet a woman who keeps my interest. I realize you cannot love someone without passion. You cannot love amyone if you do not love yourself. I am trying to see the beauty in the world. I make myself happy.

I am getting closer to my goals. This week I have a whole lot of editing to do. I am working for a non profit again. I did not think I would be doing that again. My film is coming out very well. I want people to see it and engage in serious conversation. My past has made me very creative. In some ways as an artist you have to suffer in a way to bring out your true talent. And I have different talents. Honestly I am meeting really good people. I love myself and if anyone has lived life its never really boring.

Today I did my filming. Right now I am on my break. I messed up by being late on Friday. I am going to have to re do the scene this week. I am so busy with filming. I love the opportunities I have in life. I appreciate my life. I feel like the sun on my skin. I love my single life. I am fly this summer. The fall is coming and I am excited for my birthday. I am an adult.

Ok I told my ex girlfriend that I don't want her. I guess she kept holding on to this idea that I would change my mind. And this dude that commented on my journal entry you are wrong. I wanted her to be the woman of my dreams but I only saw her as the mother of my children and not my wife. I saw my first love as my wife but not the mother of my kids. I just want to have a woman who embodies both. People are afraid to be single because society makes you feel like you have to have someone to complete you. My second love would have done anything for me but I couldn't be who I am and still be with her. I want intelligent conversation and passion and me and her never had that. Life has always been a learning process. I can't be with a woman who is too different from me. I can't teach a woman to know the things I know. She thought that our relationship was perfect but I did not feel the same. I want a woman that I truly love and have passion for her. I don't want to settle.

There is a song called your a jerk by the New Boyz. I am really feeling that song. I am constantly hearing that from my ex. Sometimes its hard to be friends with your ex. Me and her decided that we are not going to get back together. I am at point in my life when I need to be selfish. And if that makes me a jerk so be it. I am in love with myself. Plus I am meeting sexy women this summer. I don't need a girlfriend for right now. I need to relax and flirt. I love to prove people wrong about me. They underestimate me a lot. I am used to it. I start shooting my film this week. I am excited. Its inspired by events that happen to me in 2007. These events made me stronger and more creative. I am happy.

The world continues to rotate at 11 degrees each hour. The world dosesn't stop moving when you are in pain. In my life I am constantly moving. I have to. I don't need to make up stories. My last relationship I cooked, cleaned and help do laundry. I didn't do that in my relationship before that. In January I almost lost the woman I love because of stupid txt. If anyone watches law and order svu people can do a lot of things to invade your privacy especially by using your cell phone. I am glad that chapter has ended in my life. I really felt that it was unfair but life can be unfair sometimes. Since I am single I don't know what I want right now. I feel like its ok to feel like that. I find it funny how people are in and out of my life so sudden. I am working on my spiritual side. The one thing I learned from someone is that I can't trust someone who I have to constanly trust my vibes about things instead of listening to the bullshit they say. This person cannot be honest with me or themselves and that is very sad. I am aware of things. Sometines I don't want to deal with my past because I feel like that chapter is done. But in life you never know for sure. I am working on my film hopefully people will actually learn something or get something impactful.

True love it isn't physical. Looks fade over time and all is left is your personality. And sex does not keep someone with you. It is deeper than that. I know people with multiple sex partners that are not happy. It seems like they can never be safisfied. I know people that jump from one relationship to the other not able to distinguish them. Currently I am not wanting relationship. I want to be able to know who the right woman is for me. And to do that I cannot be in the state of mind of being selfish. That is all I am selfish. I want to see the beauty in the world. I am learning to accept the things I cannot change. It takes some deep breathes to figure that out. As long as I continue to have loving and good people around me I will live a good life.

I did a little dancing. I had fun with a good friend. I really am not trying to be in any relationship. My last relationship ended a month ago. That relationship lasted for a year. I am hearing from the grape vien that my hater is talking extremely reckless about me. Its wierd at one point this person was in love with me. I have to educate this hater that I have always been able to be ten steps ahead of this person.
We didn't get back together because this person has never been single. My hater has always jumped from one relationship to the other. So I decided to let it go and move on. They say if you truly love someone you will let them go even if it hurts. Plus the only reason I wanted to go to mediation was because I could not stand the fact that I was working with this person and they brought this bullshit to work. I wanted peace in my life and I got when I moved on. This hater can call me fucking ugly and that I am boring. I hate when queer people hate on their on community I guess its a lot of self hatred.
The txts messages the person claim to be your friend. So I told this person that you only sleep with your friends. They claim that they have been hitting it. The person claim that investigated me. And that they don't know me personally and they could give a rats ass about me. Oh yeah and theirs apart of the txt messages that claims its from you. And simce you havee been calling by my government name it could be you. Plus this person knew something that happened over the phone between me and you. I haven't been talking about you or our past whatever so this information is coming from you. If it wasnt you its someone you are close to. I wouldn't be in a relationship unless I was over my ex and I am completely am.
I am making money. Hanging out with some cool people. Living my life to the fullest.
I am going to let you in on a secret I know you are not happy. I can sense it. Hater you know that my senses are extremely accurate. One last thing if you wanted to leave me so bad why you never left when I asked you more than once to do you. I knew you would cheat since November of 06. I had to experience heartache and lasted less than two weeks. Thank you for my life experience what else do you want a cookie?
I am the man with the plan. Still creating and living a great life. Still sexing girls all night. When the haters start to deprive of life, money sex and my family and friends that they are effecting my life other that keep the hate coming its only going to be ignored.
I am truly bless thank you god.

Right now I just want to be selfish. Fix myself up and enjoy my summer. I am looking for a job hopefully I find it I want to work on my mini short film. I think that the idea is good. I just want it to be moving. I want people to look at it and say damn that is just wrong. I am busy with interviews. I just hope it all works out.

I realize that fierce isn't for me. I feel like they can be phony at times. I always feel like I have to be on my own to get any progress. I know preserving safe space is important. But people can't enjoy that with no roof over their heads or no food in their bellies. Luckily I have great friends who help me get where I want to go. I don't even know if I want to do any activist work with other organizations. I do things because I want not because of others.
5:57 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Ku

For the past nine months me and my girlfriend are being stalker; This person knows great amount of details about me and X aka Danielle relationship. We have been over for the longest. I don't talk to her. Nor do I need to. This person is claiming that they are having sex with X. And that they want me and X to get back together. This person is also claiming that X wants me back and that they are doing this to help her...

I don't want X aka whatever. I am at point in my life where I don't want a negative person in my life. Life is too short for all this drama.
I passed out a Fierce. Aaron went to the hospital with me. X took back my Christmas gifts the next day she saw me on the floor. The bitch is afraid of commitment but she wants you to be faithful to her. She claims she is queer but you never see her with anyone without a dick. X your straight just learn to be an ally.
And I have learned to accept the fact that you used me to show your University of Hartford friends that you were truly queer. I want a wife or life partner. I want a family. A son or a daughter. Not a whore. Not someone who can never cbe a great parent.
I let go of X a long time ago. I think of her like someone in my past that never deserved to be in my presents in the first place.

I love the way things work out. This year was about change. I know its not over. I chilled yesterday and I had fun. I haven't had that in a minute. The person isn't pressuring me. I am not controlling. But lately my emotions have gotten the better of me. My friend was telling me that emotions were basically energy in motion. I am going to try the buddha way for a minute. Lets see if works for me.

I have been continue to be blessed in my life and I thank god for that. When my time of need my friends and family steps in to help me. But now I am seeing someone Bwho is helping me. Most of the time I am acting like a an ungrateful ass. I know I need the help right now and I am learning how to appreciate it more. I realize I have been there for people who when I need them they were no where to be found. These are the same people that told me that one of my good friends was no good. That they don't deserve a job. Yet my friend only knew me for a couple of months went to the hospital with me. The other person talking all the trash took back my Christmas gifts. But I forgive them. I can't hold grudges. Thats allowing people to have too much control in my life. I hate to have anyone controling me. I love myself too much. Love has always been a complicated situation for me. I always wanted a relationship that is strong. I come from a carribean back ground. People use that as an excuse cheat lie and do what they want. I want my true love. I want my Tapanga. I can tell you that I don't know who she is but trust me she aint any of my exes.

Wow I am single again. Don't get me wrong I love my current ex girlfriend but I was starting to feel like a friednd. I try to explain that to her and she went and said some hurtful things to me. I have been trans for the last four years. I plan on getting surgery and take t. I feel like I keep dating women who don't accept that. I love women with all my heart. But I am sick and tired of dating the ones who say they accept me and really don;t. Even my first love is guilty of that. The women who I have said I love you to, are making me wonder were they really ready to be with me.
I believe in love I really do. But I starting to realize maybe I have been choosing the wrong women to get close to. Its hard being trans. But I accept who I am a long time ago. I hope all my exes are happy wiht their lives without me. I wish them the best. I guess I should take some time to figure my own life. Figure out what is true love and what is fantasy. I love myself. And I know I can be very selfish in a relationship. But I ready to settle down with the right woman. If she even exists.

I have been taking long train rides to brooklyn. I have been anticipating my job position. Its wierd I never thought I would be working in Brooklyn. But life is suprising that way. I decided that my home will be in New Jersey. I love New York. But I want to save money and living in NJ will save me money. Its hot and my life is headed towards my life long goals. I am starting to depend on me more and more. I feel like everything else will fall into place.
I realize I told some people my secret and remember they told me they would always be there for me. They always prove me right that at the end of the day they are living their lives and I am living mine. So I hope people dont take it the wrong way when I say actions speak louder than words.

I start school next week. I am excited. I traveled to philly. I love philly. I truly love myself and god. I have been taking care of myself. I have been working out making sure my arms get bigger. My stomach is flat. I am glad that things happen in 07 that has changed my life in the most wonderful way. Changes are hard to accept but they are neccessary. My growth is important to me. I believe in love. I don't believe in revenge. I believe that I am a great person and true friend. I am not perfect. I accept my flaws. And I write these words for myself. I need to start filming again. I feel love and positivity all around me and I am happy with my life. My goals are being achieved. Its wierd how my psychic abilities are just getting stronger and thats a blissing.

I have loved and got my heartbroken. I have been used and been the user. I live life the way I choose to. These decisions I have made they are mine. I don't regret any of my mistakes. That has made me a better person, friend and boyfriend.
Last time I truly hated someone it was father. All the pain and disappointment I hated him for. But now I have forgiven him. I have forgiven all who has done the wrong things to me. I leave their judgements up to god. My life doesn't revolve around them. My life is about me and the people who care about me. I truly love myself and god. And those who stand by me.
These stalkers I have will pass. They will get bored and move on. But my life will get brighter and more happier than ever. There are things in my life that I achieved before all this and there are more to come.

So its a new year. I want california for a little bit. Explore outside of NYC. I love New York.
So I am in a serihous relationship. Its wierd that I met the girl of dreams right after I let go of someone that I thought was the one. Its all about having the my best interest. Plus I am excellent in the bedroom. Trust me thats not a lie. I was going on and on like energizer bunny. Its great feel appreciated. I have done a lot changing for myself. I am ready to be a husband and father. She doesnt have any kids but she wants to and I want to be the father of those children. I take care of my nephew. I was there when he first got his hair cut. I am getting good practice. I am not waiting for anyone to be ready for me.
I keep seeing people who disrespect the trans community and still want to be a part of it. I say fuck those people. The sad part is my ex turned out to be one of those want to be trans but than wants to disrespectful to the community. I hope one day someone is the hypocricy and puts that person on blast.
Its wierd someone wants to continue to remind me of my past. If I was a player I wouldnt be able to grow up. Its wierd I see 23 year olds acting likd they are 12. Its sad. Its time to grow up. Sex isnt everything. Love is being truthful to yourself and others. To bad people dont get that. I found honesty with someone. And my girl found it with me.

I know I have not been on this in awhile. I am glad my psychic abilities is getting stronger. I know how things that no one has told me about. I am happy that I witness the first black president. I remember listening to him four years ago. I was blown away by him. My world is getting lovelier. I made my first film this year. It premiered a couple of weeks ago. I spent my birthday at Red Lobster. I got to thank god anything is possible. The things I want I got. Its weird sometimes I feel like something is missing but I am determine to be the man I need to be. All this negativity from people is funny. I have no drama in my life only blessings. This man is growing up.